I did not post yesterday intentionally. I was feeling so overwhelmed, negative, frustrated, and frankly, depressed. On the one hand, I thought it would be a great "down and dirty" honest account of how I was feeling at the time. But I decided against it because it scared me. If I write it down will it make it more real? Will my friends and family read it and start worrying? And it is very hard for me let go of my fantasy of how great it will be here. I believe that somehow the struggle and loss of enthusiasm taints the experience. Intellectually, I know that this is not true, but that is how I think, especially when I am down. And boy was I down.
The most difficult part is trying to keep it together as a mom. In some ways the boys are adjusting very well, but without naps the good parts are overshadowed by the crying, whining & fighting. And they really have nothing to play with. I bought a few toys at a bookstore, and we were expecting some toys in our air shipment- but that has yet to arrive. I feel so bad for them, they are crying more than they ever have, and that makes me want to cry. And it also makes me feel like a failure.
We get out to the parks, and playgrounds, etc., but I feel like I should be doing more, and enjoying it. I feel guilty because I wish that some days would just go by faster. The quicker the days go by, the quicker we will get our shipment and get into the house.
As low as I sound in this post, I am doing much better today. And I believe that I will be much better tomorrow. I am grateful that throughout this, I have always believed that it will get better soon. Hopelessness is a killer. I hope to always have hope, even though I sometimes lose my enthusiasm.